Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Top 10 Worst Games Ever Made

Now I can't say I've played all of these games (thank god) but I have seen reviews or gameplay videos of all of these games, and from what I've seen, these are the worst out there.

A few guidelines, however:

-The game must have a retail release. No flash, freeware, or homebrew games.
-No porn games, because just about all of them suck (get the pun?), and they aren't designed to be good. Yes, that includes Leisure Suit Larry.

#10 - Spongebob's Atlantis Squarepants (Wii / PS2)

Have you ever played a game that just had no entertainment value whatsover? That's this game for you. It's not that the game is broken or that the control is bad. The problem is that it hurts to play it.

I'm not even joking. This game is the most boring and repetitive game you will ever play. It's not funny, it's not charming, it's not fun, and it's not even appealing.

Little kids would have to be handcuffed to a controller and given intense amounts of illegal drugs in order for them to play through the game fully and not want to kill themselves.

I've complained a lot about the Yellow Avenger as being one of the worst Spongebob games, but it doesn't even compare. This game is horrible and there's nothing enjoyable about it.

#9 - Sonic the Hedgehog 2006 (X360 / PS3)

I've already mentioned that I hate Sonic, but the fact is that for the most part his games aren't among the worst. The only exception is this game, and it's all thanks to the fact that the developers wanted to get this game out in 2006.

The plot also makes absolutly no sense and is full of more plot holes than the worst time travel movie you can think of. The fact that the main characters can time travel at will completely destroys any logic this game ever had to begin with. In addition, there are more random bugs and glitches in this game than I can insert into my calculator.

I can't say this is the worst video game out there, though. It's at the very least playable, and while there are glaring problems, some elements of this game actually look somewhat enjoyable. The mach speed sections of Sonic's campaign that everyone complains about seem to partially implement what I think would be better for Sonic in 3D. The problem is that the level design of these areas are horrible.

The music of this game also happens to be pretty fantastic some of the time. Solaris II is one of the best VGMs out there. I can't say that the entire soundtrack is great, because it isn't, but there are some good tunes.

Just because I'm giving this game compliments doesn't mean it's bad though. Remember that we're talking about one of the worst games out there. This game still sucks.

#8 - Superman 64 (N64)

That's right: Superman 64 is only #8. That means that there is some seriously horrible games that most people overlook coming up later.

The thing people seem to forget is that this game, at the very least, has a clear structure and an intended point. Like Spongebob's Atlantis Squarepantis, however, these concepts are completely and entirely boring. Flying through rings isn't fun in the slightest, and the missions in the interum sections are laughably stupid. The game is also like some other universally hated games, as the levels that don't involve rings are so broken that they're practically unplayable. ProtonJonSA is trying to play it, but it's hard work. That's why it takes so long for episodes of that LP to come out.

This game manages to both be boring and broken, which makes for a pretty terrible game. It just so happens, however, that there's smellier s**t out there.

#7 - Aquaman: Battle for Atlantis (PS2)

When everyone saw JonTron's video of this game, everyone instantly got a Superman 64 vibe from it. The thing about it, though, is that this game is worse!

Why?

Like I mentioned before, Superman 64 had a clear structure and intended goal. This game doesn't really have that. You just swim around and punch guys with your stupid hook hand and weird-as-hell hair and hope something happens. Eventually more stuff happens but there is no real progression. That makes this game worse than the likes of Superman 64.

The fact is that when you take a superhero that no one cares about and make a liscenced game off of it, you're bound to get something really bad.

#6 - Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing (PC)

Here's another game that is commonly called the worst game ever made, but the reason it isn't the worst is because no one can deny that they didn't have a fun time completely screwing with this game. I can't say I've played it, but to me, seeing how broken a game can be is just hilarious. Unlike Superman 64 when there's a time limit that prevents you from really looking to break the game, this game doesn't even have an objective. It likely was intended to be a racer, but there's no collision detection and there's no actual race.

There is driving through mountains, however. And that at least is mildly entertaining. So congrats... YOU'RE WINNER!!! for having at least that much enjoyment.

#5 - Bubsy 3D (PS1)

What could possibly go wrong?

Everything.

Bubsy 3D is by far the worst 3D platformer in existence. It doesn't even feel complete. The texturing looks awful, the control is just plain bizzare, and the collision detection is all over the place. And above all, it also manages to bore you in the same way Atlantis Squarepantis does.

Combining a bad game with a game that has no enjoyment factor in it whatsoever makes this game. And this game is bad. Really bad.

#4 - Action 52 (NES)

Originally, I was going to include Cheetahmen 2 on this list, but since it never actually released in stores, I can't include it on this list as an intended retail game. Sure, it was finished and put in a warehouse because they didn't want to release it, and sure, it is one of the most wanted games for NES collectors, but it technically isn't official.

Action 52, however, was official, and it is really bad. I was going to make it a tie between the Genesis and NES versions, but Action 52 for the Genesis can actually be mildly entertaining sometimes, while on the NES all of the games are broken in one way or another.

The idea of containing 52 original games on one cartridge was a terrible idea to begin with, and the execution of that idea was even worse. This mess of a game is the result.

There's still three games that are worse, however.

#3 - Dragon's Lair (NES)

Look, the Angry Video Game Nerd has played bad games, but only one of the other games he has reviewed can compete with this abysmal piece of s**t.

Dragon's Lair was one of those cinematic arcade games you saw in the late 80s and, for some ungodly reason, they decided to port it to the NES. I don't know why, but they decided to do it.

First off, the NES completely lacks any cinematic capability. Second off, this game is completely broken.

I've never seen a game where the first room is almost impossible to get past, but this game managed to accomplish that. It's stupid because every obstacle in the room you don't see at first, so you have to memorize everything that happens. The problem is that unlike other games where you have to memorize patterns, control practically doesn't exist in this game, so you not only have to remember what happened, but you also have to pray that the game will decide to work this one time.

In addition the character moves slow as hell so it just makes the whole process more boring and tedious.

This game is almost the worst you can get. When control doesn't exist, that's pretty bad. When control doesn't exist and the game is badly designed, that's even worse. When control doesn't exist, the game is badly designed, and the main character moves SLOW AS F**K then IT NEEDS TO DIE IN A FIRE IMMEDIATELY!!!

#2 - ET: The Extra-Terrestrial (Atari 2600)

The irony with this entry being so high on this list is that unlike some of the preceeding games, it actually has a goal: to build the phone and get out of there. The problem is that this goal is communicated so horribly that it practially is impossible to understand. The level layout is confusing, the UI is misleading, the other characters do unclear things, and the phone pieces are in the last place you would expect them to be.

I took the time one day to find an Atari emulator and play this game. Afterwards, I deleted the game and the emulator and banged my head against a wall. That's how bad the game is.

I can't express enough how badly this game teaches the player about its limits and goals. The best part about this is that there's one game that does it worse.

#1 - Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (NES)

A game, by definition, is something you play either with yourself or some friends in which you compete or play to reach a goal or accomplish something within the boundaries or rules the game sets. This barely fits the qualifications.

For those who don't know, this interactive catridge begins with you controlling Dr Jekyll, who's on his way somewhere. Along the way, he randomly gets attacked by some characters for no reason and then doesn't get hit by other characters that look exactly the same. You barely have any control over Dr. Jekyll and when he takes an unknown amount of damage, he turns to Mr. Hyde, who walks back where Dr. Jekyll came from. If you take an unknown amount of damage as Mr. Hyde, then you die. But if you survive, then at some random point you get struck by lightning and die anyway.

I don't think anyone who has ever played this game completely understands how it works, and I am one of those people. The game is simply unplayable because of how confusing it is and how much the game contradicts itself. It barely has rules and goals and it almost completely lacks control.

I have to completely agree with the Angry Video Game Nerd and Egoraptor and say that this is the worst game ever made. I highly doubt there will ever be a game ever as bad as this one unless someone really tried. It's simply that terrible.

***

Here's some other games that would have made the list had it been longer...

Hulk Hogan's Main Event (X360) - The Kinect is a unique add-on akin to the Eye-Toy of the Playstation 2, but the problem with it is that most developers suck at making games for it. This one happens to be the worst of the bunch, having the worst control and an experience that makes the gameplay feel even worse.

Pac-Man (Atari 2600) - This port of a legend is the definition of being a victim of lack of time. The game was developed by one man in about a month, and the game is horrible for it. The graphics and sound sucks, and the control just doesn't feel right. In addition, the game doesn't feel like Pac-Man.

Shaq Fu (Genesis) - When I first heard of this game I actually thought it was a joke. It wasn't until I saw videos of it that I realized that there actually was a Shaq O'Neil fighting game. It still shocks me to this day. And it isn't good. Oh no. It's not good at all. Have fun with no control!

Hotel Mario (CD-i) - Look, we all know that the Nintendo CD-i games were bad, but this one gets some special hate from me. Sure, the Zelda games were bad, but at least they had some resembelence to the Zelda universe (with one exception). Hotel Mario simply makes no sense whatsoever, and it's simply laughable what was attempted here. This game also is the primary reason that YouTube Poop exists, which is worth noting because the game is poop.

Zelda's Adventure (CD-i) - I mentioned an exception to Zelda CD-i games at least resembling the Zelda canon, and this was it. Zelda's Adventure doesn't have any resembelence to Zelda whatsoever except for the name. Unlike the other Zelda CD-i games, this one does use the classic top-down perspective but the gameplay and control are so bad that it doesn't even feel remotely familiar.

Charlie's Angels (PS2) - I really wanted to fit this disaster of a game into the list, but I simply couldn't. The game isn't even complete! But I still would have to say that games like Atlantis Squarepantis and Sonic '06 are worse games because of their flaws being so prominent. This game bugs players for the small things. Atlantis Squarepantis and Sonic '06 have major design flaws that make those games worse as a result. Be confident that this definitely would have taken the #11 spot.

There's definitely other bad games that I haven't mentioned, but these are the ones I think are worth noting. Thanks for reading!

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